Chief Anxiety Officer
My Anxiety Closet
RE: Overzealous pursuit of duties
Dear Mr. Alanxiety,
In the last thirty-five years that you have held your post as Chief Anxiety Officer of my Anxiety Closet, I have found your performance to be, on the whole, acceptable and occasionally inspired. However, as you are aware, there have been periods during which your subordinates’ pursuit of their duties have been somewhat overzealous and strong corrective actions were needed to avoid a complete shut-down of day-to-day activities.
Immediately following the last of these incidents, it was agreed by yourself and the various anxieties under your direction, that while a certain amount of discomfort is to be expected, overall anxiety levels should never reach the point that my overall ability to function would be compromised. Certain safeguards were put in place at that time to prevent this eventuality, and all concerned agreed to operate within those guidelines.
Unfortunately, I have become aware that two of your subordinates, Planetary Destruction and Catastrophic Illness, have taken it upon themselves to bypass those safeguards and embark on a campaign that has resulted in several nocturnal anxiety attacks that far exceed the agreed-upon levels. In addition, mandated reduction responses such as prayer and breathing exercises have not resulted in any quantifiable change.
Both Catastrophic Illness and Planetary Destruction have taken what I feel is a perverse delight in magnifying recent news articles and inserting them into my subconscious so that even the most innocuous event triggers a rise in heart rate and blood pressure. Planetary Destruction has gone so far as to create nightmares incorporating the destruction of Krypton (borrowed without the appropriate licenses from “Superman – The Movie,” I might add), the recent earthquakes and tsunami in Japan, and the destabilization of Japan’s nuclear reactors. The resulting loss of sleep has had a direct, negative impact on my ability to concentrate and maintain the focus required to perform my duties as wife, mother, and employee.
As Chief Anxiety Officer of my Anxiety Closet, you are expected to maintain a certain level of oversight to ensure that this sort of overzealous behavior does not occur. If you are unable to fulfill this most basic of your responsibilities, I will have no other choice but to re-assign you to a lesser position and seek a candidate from outside the Closet. It is my understanding that Sarah Palin is seeking a position that will allow her to use her specific talents in a less traditional setting.
|Berkeley Breathed – Bloom County|